Motivation, Confidence, Wellness, Mental Wellness Image: Instagram/@brypenney
As someone who’s been called “too sensitive” more times than I can count, I get that attempting to learn how to not take things personally can feel about as possible as trying to “just relax” or “stop overthinking.” (What else am I supposed to assume when a friend leaves my last three texts on delivered—meanwhile they’re actively posting on Instagram? How does it not say something about my apartment when my partner prefers to sleep at their own place instead of mine?)
It’s normal to be annoyed, hurt, or even suspicious when you don’t really know the true intentions behind a person’s words or actions. But you should be able to move on from these moments, Geoffrey Gold, PhD, New York City–based psychologist at Therapists of New York, tells SELF—or at least talk it out. Taking it personally, on the other hand, means you’re internalizing words or actions as hard truth, whether that’s They must hate my new haircut or I’m not good enough.
Your brain can spin these unhelpful, mean stories for all kinds of reasons. While some people are naturally blessed with an “IDGAF” mindset, factors like low self-esteem, perfectionism, and anxiety can make it hard to shake off the small stuff, Dr. Gold explains. However, this self-destructive habit of reading too much into things is definitely worth addressing, because over time, it’s bound to crush your confidence, waste your time, and sabotage your relationships. With a little effort and the expert tips below, you can slowly break that cycle of defensiveness—and in turn, protect your peace of mind.
Sometimes, those knee-jerk instincts to go on the offense are more about your own perception versus the actual reality of a situation, Pavan Basra, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based therapist specializing in relationships, tells SELF. Maybe two of your buddies hung out without you—but you’re convinced they hate you because your former toxic circle always excluded you. Or it hits especially hard that a Tinder match didn’t respond to your DM, probably since you were just unexpectedly dumped a few weeks ago.
According to Basra, recognizing that your defensiveness may be rooted in past experiences—not the present moment—can be a solid first step toward interrupting the spiral and rethink whether you’re truly being targeted.
When something feels off, don’t just jump straight into mind-reading mode. You’ll save yourself a whole lot of energy (and mental gymnastics) by simply asking for clarity, Basra says. Dr. Gold recommends keeping it casual with phrases like: “Hey, what did you mean by that comment?"; “I noticed we haven’t talked much this week. Is everything okay?”; or “That hangout looked so fun—just curious, can I ask why I wasn’t invited?”
Basra notes that this approach works best with people you’re close enough to actually have a conversation with (so maybe not a random stranger who cut you off in traffic). Most of the time, someone’s response will give you much-needed reassurance to quiet anxious thoughts—or confirm they didn’t intend to hurt you. Worst case, if the situation in question does turn out to be personal? At least you know for sure—and can address it directly rather than battling a “problem” that never existed.
It’s easy to get caught up in worst-case scenarios when you’ve got too much time on your hands. (Wait, do they usually text this slowly? Huh, maybe they are mad at me.) Before you know it, you’re overanalyzing that “K” text or replaying an awkward run-in at the gym over and over.
A better use of your time, then, is keeping yourself occupied with a few soothing distractions—whether it’s getting lost in an episode of Gilmore Girls or lacing up for a quick jog around the block. Ideally, even just a few minutes of this should release tension and break the cycle of overthinking. Not to mention, “these little joys can be a much-needed reminder that your life is bigger than this one moment,” Dr. Gold adds.
Not everything is about you (and yes, we mean that in an encouraging way). And sometimes, stepping back to see that bigger picture can allow you to realize that a dismissive comment or cold interaction may be more about what’s going on with them.
Let’s say you’re meeting your partner’s mom for the first time, and she greets you with an icy, disinterested stare. A few helpful questions to reframe the situation include: Are they only like this with you? Maybe your partner warned you she has an RBF and takes longer to warm up to everyone. Or that’s simply her vibe—your SO’s friends even joke about it. “A good rule of thumb is that if you can recall three other instances when they’ve acted this way, it’s likely a ‘them’ thing—not a ‘you’ thing,” Dr. Gold says.
Another follow-up to consider: Could something else be going on in their life? Your boss might have cut you off mid-sentence because they’re rushing to another meeting, not because they don’t value your input. Your Hinge match didn’t follow up for a second date, but hey, they did bring up a recent breakup. The goal here isn’t to excuse consistently bad behavior (and if it’s a pattern, drawing boundaries might be a necessary next step). For a few one-off incidents, though, considering their POV can quiet that them-versus-me mentality—and be a much-needed reminder that their mood and actions often aren’t personal.
Haven’t you ever forgotten to accept an ex-coworker’s LinkedIn request without meaning to? Hit the elevator close button just before someone could step in? Snapped at a totally undeserving person like, I don’t know, your mom? If you’re anything like me, you’re probably nodding along, realizing moments that can feel so targeted when they happen to you truly…having nothing to do with you.
When you put yourself in their shoes, it becomes easier to give others the benefit of the doubt: “You’re reminding yourself that everyone is human, just like you,” Basra explains. And by making an effort to be a little more empathetic and understanding, “you’re letting go of unrealistic expectations that people always be on their best behavior."
Hearing your partner say, “I’ve been feeling unappreciated lately” can easily sound like “You’re a terrible partner,” triggering an instant defensive reflex or even a petty comeback. But, as Dr. Gold points out, “just because someone is asking for you to do something differently doesn't mean there’s something wrong with you.”
Instead of making it about who you are, “try rewording the ‘critique’ to focus on a specific behavior,” he suggests. That way, your SO’s comment becomes less of a personal insult and more of a fixable suggestion that may inspire you to plan more date nights or say “I love you” more often. (See how this shift in perspective turns triggering feedback into a constructive, easier-to-swallow opportunity to grow?)
We can’t promise that you’ll transform into a totally unbothered queen. But what the experts did say is that boosting your confidence makes it a whole lot easier to naturally brush off these moments (or at least avoid going down an endless rabbit hole).
Ultimately the comments that hurt the most usually tap into something we’re already insecure about, according to Dr. Gold. Say you’re already doubting your abilities at work; in that case, even well-meaning constructive criticism can feel like confirmation that you’re failing.
The good news? Confidence is something you can build, step by step (and these beginner-friendly tips make the process less overwhelming). You can start small—surround yourself with people who remind you that you’re amazing. Keep a list of your wins, no matter how small (like a compliment from your boss, perhaps, or a sweet birthday card from your bestie). Because once you know your worth—and how to not take things personally—ignored texts and exasperated sighs won’t have the power to ruin your day.
Original article appeared on SELF
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